I have embedded Pink Floyd’s iconic track “Comfortably Numb” to accompany this post. Maybe Listen while you read.
There is one thing that all bereaved parents agree on and that is that the level of pain we experience, especially in the early days and months, but also scattered liberally about the coming years and strewn about the rest of our lives, is utterly unimaginable. This means that the temptation to try to numb the pain is great and whichever numbing method we choose there are side effects and downsides.
Sleeping pills for blurring the thoughts
I was prescribed sleeping pills in the early weeks and these were a help on occasional nights. Going to bed meant going to lie down alone with my thoughts and my yearning to see my son’s face again. I would lie there and see the amorphous shapes and colours that lie behind my closed eyes - willing them to create an image of my son. I particularly remember the bright blue—like the foil wrappers of Cadbury’s chocolate. I would say his name over and over and over in my mind and sleep would evade me. So, on occasion, mindful of not wanting to become reliant on drugs I would take a tablet and blur my mind sufficiently to fall asleep. So a little numbing at bedtime. However, on waking the first moment before my world of pain reconstructed itself in my mind was so short that the assault of my returning thoughts and feelings was hard to handle and the waking was often at three in the morning. Getting to sleep had worked but staying asleep was not going to work for many months and years.
The number one number of pain—alcohol
Alcohol is the number one number (“nummer”) of pain for many bereaved parents. Maybe, for many of us, it already was a number of stress but it can become a key part of our attempts to get away from the dread that resides in us and the engulfing sadness. Sadly the negative side effects of alcohol are many and one of them is that, until we are literally unconscious, the muddle of thinking that alcohol creates can actually make the suffering so much worse. I have definitely used alcohol at times and experienced that chaotic thinking and the wreckage of my emotional coherence as a consequence. I am grateful that my body now says “No” to more than one or two gin and tonics these days. I don’t like the out of control emotional rollercoaster of too much alcohol and my body doesn’t like the aftermath.
Other mind altering substances
Closely related to alcohol are the other mind altering substances, some legal and others illegal in the UK Some more harmful and habit forming than others as we all know. Maybe some are experienced as an actual support but I haven’t tried many in the context of grieving so can’t really comment. I completely get the temptation to use these though.
Prescription drugs for anxiety and depression have a definite place in the pain numbing world. Psychiatric medications, properly prescribed for diagnosed mental health issues can be life changing and even life saving for many people. If you think you have a mental health problem then I encourage you to discuss this with your GP. However, improperly prescribed or misused they can also be used to inappropriately numb rather than to manage the pain.
Places I can’t go
Another aspect of numbing is avoidance of places and activities in case they evoke the pain. I had a lot of the world to avoid for a long time. Now there are still some places where I fear to tread, including the city where my son died. I think I have mentioned before in a blog post, the playground where I used to take my three small children that I walked past one day and was brought to my knees by a wave of pain. The consequent limitations for many of us as bereaved parents can be significant as we avoid places and some of the ordinary things of our lives before loss.
Dissociation as a natural protection from threat and harm
The methods of numbing so far discussed have all been activities or behaviours that we knowingly engage in and it is also true that our physiology itself allows us to disconnect from the pain through psychological dissociation. Disassociation means that we become disconnected from the world around us and from our thoughts and feelings. This happens as an effective protection when we are traumatised and feel trapped in situations where we feel unsafe or threatened, So this is a natural form of protection and can be really important as a resource and yet problematic if it leads to difficulties in reconnecting with aspects of life that are important to us.
None of these really work in the longer term
I have discussed a number of ways of numbing the pain and I know that these are not ultimately effective. This is partly because pain that is numbed comes back, and it can sometimes come back with a vengeance, and emotions that are ignored and not acknowledged just tend to shout louder at us. Also numbing the pain inevitably means that we are also numbing the joy and the connection to our children and to life itself as well and this can lead to serious emotional problems.
I wanted to feel what I had to feel but I sometimes needed a break
When my boy died, I knew from the outset that, for better or for worse, I wanted to feel what I had to feel. It knocked me down and wore me out and exhausted me but I still wanted to feel it. Over the years I would say the most difficult times for me have been when the feelings have all withdrawn leaving me blank and lost and isolated. I would rather be raging than blank, rather be in the depths of sadness than disconnected. The pain is real and raw and does not come alone. Yet at times I have felt numb and even numb to the point of depression and not being sure that I am able to carry on. For me, the pain comes with the poignancy and intensity of the love I have for my children and my fervent desire for them to be OK. I do not not want to numb anything and yet sometimes I have needed a break.