How to be more OK at Christmas by setting your boundaries

For bereaved parents, even after many years, Christmas can be a very difficult time of year. The socially expected feelings of excitement and anticipation can feel more like dread and anxiety. It is a time when feelings of isolation and disconnection can be made worse by the messages in the media about fun and family and togetherness as these underline areas that are so painful for us.

Some bereaved parents say that they just sort of disconnect and wait for Christmas to pass and I understand that and it might be the right way for you. Other parents choose to go away for the duration to sunnier climes. Many choose to follow the traditional Christmas activities but struggle with some aspects of this. For some of us Christmas was tricky enough already with the complicated family dynamics and unrealistic expectations. So in this post I would like to address how to make some changes in your approach to planning your Christmas and New Year.

I want to offer some support on how to approach Christmas in a way that is right for you. First I would like to say a bit about boundaries and how to set yours with kindness and clarity.

Boundaries are about self-care and communication

Boundaries are about knowing, communicating and respecting what is OK for you and what is OK for others. Setting boundaries is an act of self-care.

I find that what is OK for me is a shifting thing when it comes to Christmas and so I need to make sure that my family members know when things change.

When you are invited to take part in something that you don't feel comfortable with, for whatever reason, you can say "No. Thank you for asking but, no, that won't work for me." The other person might ask why and whether you choose to explain your reasoning is up to you but don't get pulled into trying to justify your choice. You are not selfish or antisocial or any other accusation that you might fear might be thrown at you. In setting out your own preferences and boundaries you are taking very appropriate care of yourself. Our preferences and boundaries don't have to make sense to others and theirs don't have to make sense to us!

On the first New Years Eve after my son died, I was alone at home. I had been invited to various gatherings but that was not what I wanted. I had EastEnders lined up to watch, I had the food I wanted to eat and I had a small pile of books (an important grief companion for me) from my local alternative bookshop. I was secure and handling my grief as best I could. The early part of the evening went OK and then suddenly a small group of local friends arrived at the door with a tray of smoked salmon canapes and a considerable amount of alcohol in their systems. "We couldn't let you be alone." they cried. They ruined my peace, disturbed EastEnders (a bad, bad thing in those days before catch-up TV!) and frankly, really pissed me off and led me to a sleepless night, especially the early part when my phone kept going off with HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! texts. They did that through kindness and care - I know that. I learned that I needed to be much clearer with friends and family and I have been practicing and developing that clarity since.

These days I say, "Thank you, but no, I don't do gatherings, I prefer being alone on New Years Eve. I would love to chat to you soon though - how about next weekend?" (and only the last bit if that is true!)

Of course, I also need to be willing to listen and respond gracefully to other people's boundaries, whatever these are. For example, one couple I know like to socialise with family members of all ages on Christmas Eve but spend Christmas Day free to do their own thing without any children around and they have communicated this clearly ahead of time.

What do you need this Christmas for you to be OK?

There are many aspects to consider:

• How would you like to connect with your important people?

• What would you, personally, like to do to acknowledge your daughter or son who has died?

• What would you like others to join you in doing to acknowledge your child?

• What would you like to request others to do to acknowledge your child?

• Is there any support that you would like to have from others and how will you request this?

• What will you, personally, do to take care of yourself?

• How will you respond if you receive invitations to spend time with others?

• Are there any invitations that you want to make to others?

• Do you need to check out anything about their expectations if you are planning to spend time with others?

Christmas online course for planning how to be more OK

I offer a short course focused on exploring these questions and making a personal plan setting out some of the answers. The course includes three group video calls , one before Christmas, one between Christmas and New Year and the other after New Years Day. These contain a bit of contact and support with other bereaved parents, which offers a bit of holding for group members, as well as a forum where we can discuss our ideas, share solutions and reflect on how our plans went in practice.

If you have any ideas on making plans for self-care at Christmas time I would love to hear them.